And They Are Undisputed

I got a new assignment this morning in Criminal Law: write an opening statement for the prosecution in a murder case. This is what I came up with:

The facts of the case are these: At midnight on August 6th, the defendants went into the barracks room of their platoon-mate, PFC William Santiago. They woke him up, tied his arms and legs with rope, and forced a rag into his throat. A few minutes later, a chemical reaction in Santiago's body called lactic acidosis caused his lungs to begin bleeding. He drowned in his own blood and was pronounced dead at 32 minutes past midnight.

These are the facts of the case, and they are undisputed. That's right. The story I just told you is the exact same story you're going to hear from Corporal Dawson, and it's the exact same story you're going to hear from Private Downey. Furthermore, the Government will also demonstrate that the defendants soaked the rag with poison, and entered Santiago's room with motive and intent to kill.

Now, Lt. Kaffee is gonna try to pull off a little magic act. He's gonna try a little misdirection. He's going to astonish you with stories of rituals and dazzle you with official sounding terms like Code Red. He might even cut into a few officers for you. He'll have no evidence, mind you, none. But it's gonna be entertaining. And when we get to the end, all the magic in the world will not have been able to divert your attention from the fact that Willy Santiago is dead, and Dawson and Downey killed him. These are the facts of the case, and they are undisputed.

I'm pretty sure my professor will be wowed. Doesn't fit the facts of my case at all, but with writing like that, who cares? Plus it saved me time so I could blog.

Last week I had to play the part of legislator and write a statute criminalizing bad students. It was pretty easy; I just had to think back to my college days. As they say, write what you know. Plagiarizing from movies was not included, by the way.

This weekend I completed the next set of exercises on proper Bluebook citation form for my research and writing class. This stuff drives most people crazy, but I love it. It appeals to my meticulous sensibility. Italicize commas within case names, but not following them. Include a space between abbreviations unless they are single letters or ordinals. Abbreviate names in 10.2.1(c) and T6, unless the cite is in a textual sentence. Hehe, good stuff. Right in my wheelhouse.

Next week I have to write a memo on the scope of the term "business establishment" in the context of the Unruh Civil Rights Act, citing cases from the California Supreme Court or Court of Appeal. As we were reviewing some of the cases together in class, it was pretty sad when the prof asked if any of us remembered a particular one from the late 90s, and I was the only one to raise my hand (Remember the gay kid who wanted to be a scout leader? None of my classmates did...). Being the old guy will be a recurring theme in my posts.

So I have a fair amount of schoolwork these days, but the real preparation for my future career is happening in my day to day management of FC Hang, my fantasy football team. Sure, when I'm General Manager for a professional sports team, I'll have to deal with contracts and arbitration and such, so my classes aren't completely useless. But it's still mostly about talent evaluation. I figure with a law degree from Boalt and a few Markinson Cups to my name, I'll have owners knocking down my door in three years. Preferably hockey teams, because I want my day with the Stanley Cup.

Of course if Bob Bowlsby's had enough by then, I'm ready to jump in for him, too. I'll pull a Ted Leland and hire Hubert and Drew as Harbaugh's O and D Coordinators, and Scott to replace Trent Johnson (let 'em run!). Gerald can be in charge of watching over Michelle Wie.